formspring.me

drop a line, make it fine, I'll answer in my own time http://formspring.me/juansean

I'm a poet and I didnt realise.

I'm going to write a blog for you.
I'm going to make it rhyme too.
and use this blank text box
to distract me from my Xbox.
Taunting me with its green lights
which so often helps me avoid household fights.
but today its more of a hinderence,
and is in no way helping me since
it has completely distracted me,
stealing my attention indefinately.

But through this little diddy here,
hopefully i can make my mind clear.
Allow myself to work again,
clear the fog running through my brain.
(Dont pass that off as a metaphor,
because to be honest, it meant far more.)





That gap indicates a half hour break.
I pause sometimes, nothings at stake.
but I have lost my train of thought,
so it appears I am caught,
with no way to end.
...this wont become a trend...

This Seems to be a Weekly Occurance.

Hello again. heres the post I've been waiting for. Where I step out of this shell of entertainment I have tried to create, and the real angst tarts to show.
This isnt because I feel like I have the relationship with readers as such that I can just tell truthes and confide in the domain... but more or less because I am bored.

Moving on.
I had a motto once, it wasnt too long ago. It essentially said that "A Painful Optimism will overcome Crushing Doubt."
It was more or less a way of dealing with paranoia. When ever I was in a situation where I was scared about the outcome I would tell myself that and I could imagine the best possible scenario even if I knew how unlikely it would be.
Unfortunately I am losing my ability to do this. I dont know why but things are affecting me far more than they normally would. I'm in a constant state of panic, and every slight insult makes me completely distraught.
I would just say that everything is effecting me more, but the good things in my life are starting to slip by unnoticed, and the bad are dwelling in my mind.

Now I dont want to dwell on this. I'm merely in a bad mood and I am sure I will perk up again sometime soon. I guess I just wanted to share the fact that my mottos have changed, which also indicates I have changed as a person.
I guess this is effecting me a lot more than it should because a lot of people have been telling me that lately... And I guess I am starting to believe them.
I have changed. I just dont know whether it is for the better.

Powerfully, Persuasion Pushes Perspectives.

^see that?^
yeah. Thats alliteration.
pretty cool, aye?

Today, I was told by many close friends, family members and School Teachers that I may be suffering from depression.
This confused me. I'd never seen my self as a depressed or sad person.
And now, its all I'm thinking about, my thoughts are shaded by this overlooming cloud of gloom, telling me to stop doing certain things, to give up on others, to avoid work.
This in itself made me feel, for lack of a better word... Depressed.

It was a strange sensation for me, I somewhat felt like I was becoming a cliche. I mean, I already had the black hair and the fringe, I guess depression was just the next logical step to compete the image I must create in the minds of others.
I had never really thought of depression as an actual Mental Illness, and I'm not sure if I do even now. It seems to me that it is completely brought on by the power of suggestion, and that to be sad is merely human at times. But "depression" is an affliction completely man made, supplied by completely man made drugs to alter moods to something more acceptable in a completely man made society.
But now, I dont know... I suppose I feel differently, I went through the help sites the government had put up, and some of the supposed symptoms of depression, I am feeling right now. And these arent just guesswork. Things like the inability to sit still, the lack of sleep. these are things I had never associated with depression because I never really associated them with the feeling of being sad, which, in my immature brain, are the same thing.



[Deliberate Dramatic Pause]



You know, quite often I go to write something here... decide that its a stupid thing to say, then digress onto something else entirely.
Well, nows one of those times, sort of...
You see I remembered a quote whilst writing this blog, its relevant, and essentially captures my previous mindset.... The only problem is...

Its a Blink-182 quote.

Now, dont get me wrong, I enjoy listening to the ol' Mark, Tom and Travis show, and you can insult me all you like for that... but its not exactly a really respectable source.
Now, that being said, Im just going to go ahead and include the quote in here, allthough, with all this build up I have made for it, its really not all that deserving of it... but anyway...

As Mark Hoppus once said: "depressions just a sarcastic state of mind." And that is very much how I have felt on the subject for the past 5 or 6 years, but... I dont know, maybe being told I suffer from it, and actually looking into it, I'm more aware of it as a serious issue.
That being said, however, I still think its ridiculous that there are television commercials and fundraisers for solving... wait its not even solving anything... supporting those middle class Australians who are suffering from depression.
I mean, there are Millions upon millions of starving women and childen in different parts of the world, but "beyondblue" wants me to give my money to them? fuuuuck no!
Not only that, but I could be giving my money to those trying to find a cure for cancer. Or Doctors without Boarders!
ok, rant over, and if that hasnt made me seem heartless enough, I also will never give a dime to the make-a-wish foundation.
Those kids are lucky enough to be born in a first world country.

Chuck is late again. I really need more reliable torrents. Heres a poem in its place

I remember the days of middle school.
We could all play halo, we were all cool.
there was no rivalry, no higher/lower class,
just those that could/couldn't kick ass.
maybe it was CoD that ruined it all?
whatever it was... XBL took a fall.
And now we never play games online,
lets go back to those times, it would be divine.

I miss you Middle School Xbox Live

Chuck is Late. Lets Chat.

I want Chuck.
Where is my Chuck?
Makes me say "fuck.
I wanna watch Chuck"

Moving on. Its Monday evening (yes, Monday is a pronoun for me, I love it that much) and I am doing what I do normally, sitting, typing, facebook stalking. You know, the usj... ujh... uosh... usual. Yeah, lets stick with that.

I'm back to my old blogging ways, new URL. And I have to say, I'm quite content here. There's just something very appealing to me about donning the ol' keyboard warrior persona. Not sure what it is... I guess it just makes me feel.... clever.
And to be honest, its either useless rambling like this or angst. Tell me? which would you prefer?




(this is me waiting for a reply)




Yeah, thats right, that question wasnt rhetorical.
Please leave a comment :)

But moving on again. God I'm getting sidetracked.
Or am I? Cause to be honest, I have no idea what to write about... I was just hoping to continuously side-track myself until I had an epiphany... But that seems unlikely to happen anytime soon. So I guess I'll just talk about the weather or something...

Today, it was cold.
then it was hot.
now it is cold again.
(On that note, how irritating is Australian weather? how it manages to-

NO SEAN! DO NOT LET THIS BLOG BECOME DULL ALREADY!)

Moving on, once again.
Nothing.
I don't have anything to say.
Well this is shit.
I'll come back later when I have inspiration.
Until then, be entertained by this picture of a kitten punching a whale in the face.



(yeah I couldn't find that picture sorry)